1/25/26

1:23 am

this sounds parasocial as fuck. but i kept up with the whole la fashion scene beef. honestly, its evident that rwang is having an episode which is shown by his high self of importnace. im not excusing his actions. nor anybodys that he air out. but i can see that he is just someone who is feeling severely hurt and betrayed by someone he valued so much. he mentions in his talk with his therapist that nik was one of the only few people to truly love him, which is something he clings on to cause of his childhood trauma. i dont know. am i psychoanalyzing? maybe i relate to him. in fact i do a lot. its such a sad situation overall behind all the memes and internet bullshit. these are real people at the end of the day. just something ive been thinking about a lot these past few days and its probably because i see so much of myself in how he feels.

-

truly yours

1/19/26

3:32 am

all i have left are my feelings and putting them into words because that's all i can do. i can write all the silly little words and messages about how i am and i think that's beautiful, but to another truth, its horrible because id rather be saying it elsewhere. i cant even articulate them properly either, cause then it sounds like ill be alluding to something or someone. and maybe i am. or maybe im not. when i do refer to 'you' in these entries, i partly think of myself. its no use anyhow. again all i have left are my feelings and putting them into words. i feel a longing ache in my chest that has never went away since a few months ago. a lingering sensation. theres nothing i can do to quell it. i am reminded of everything everyday. and it hurts so bad. it still hurts so fucking bad. i find myself getting excited for some things coming up in my life but this feeling never goes away. this constant heartache kills me. it genuinely does. i dont think it will ever go away. theres a part of me that doesnt want it to go away, cause then it means its real and alive. im weird like that. this heartache exasperates me of every enjoyment i have by building up inside me and having everything play in the back of my mind. yet its all i have left. ill never be happy with how things turned out. i lied straight through my teeth if i said i did or would be. i hate it. i hate you. maybe im pathetic. maybe youre pathetic. im wistful. so wistful. i wont say the words. ill think of them but never lose them. arent 3am thoughts weird?

-

truly yours

1/17/26

1:46 pm

i have a hard time letting go or am wary of change. it could be a matter of letting go in order for things to change. but i cling on to a lot of things. i hold on to everyone i have ever come into contact with, even with the least marginal impact of my life. i hold on to a lot of things, not to a hoarding level, but because they hold sentimental value, even if they no longer serve a purpose in my life anymore. recently ive been wanting a new piercing, but have been hesitant to, for the reason im scared of piercing a part of my skin/body that has grown with me since i was an embryo, if that makes sense. i wonder if ill get over these feelings. if ill get over situations and people. if ill stay resentful and in agony or turn it into something else—anywho. i really do want that piercing though. id look so awesome with it. i can see the vision. its weird how i was able to get piercings before but am hesitant to do so now.

-

truly yours

1/13/26

11:17 pm

it is the last hour before my birthday. im listening to ‘the last hour’ by elliott smith. what a year this was for me. no words to reflect except wow. this age and 2025 i will always say had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. anyhow, im going to play stardew valley.

12:42 am

in between. in-between by title fight. in between days by the cure. i am in between. i am in between my old life and the next. i am in between your old life and the next. i am in between, free of any bearings, yet im in between, as if im being suffocated. i am in between ages, as tomorrow i turn a year older. i am in between appearances, with my hair bleached. i am in between dreaming and reality. i am in between day and night. im in between people, interests, jobs, cities, the list goes on. but life isnt stagnant; it never is, it changes. and again im in between. in between, in between, in between.

i tried to sound a little profound or poetic. but its almost 1 in the morning. my words start to come off as dull and meaningless as time goes on anyway. or is it me that is that way? i dont know. was i a lasting memory? or was it an in between one too?

-

truly yours

1/9/26

8:03 pm

i am laying on the floor in defeat. on the phone with my friend. everyday has been productive yet everyday feels the same. it feels like im stuck in a loop. as if im waiting for a big change to happen. waiting for something thatll never come. waiting…

maybe i feel this way because i had such a bittersweet dream that faded as the sun arose.

maybe i feel this way cause of all the pent up resentment i have.

maybe i feel this way cause things shouldnt have turned out this way at all, but face that this is reality.

maybe i feel this way because im the sheep and youre the wolf.

either way ill still be laying on my dirty floor next to my guitars brushing the strings lightly.

1/6/26

1:52 pm

i wanna runaway runnaway little time left to runaway everytime i get somewhere i wanna runaway runaway i feel like im losing control

1/4/26

11:58 pm

speaking of which i cant sleep. god i hate you LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

11:13 pm

my time in vegas is coming to an end, its always bittersweet leaving but im eager to get back to my usual routine and more.

do yall ever think of anything that helps you fall asleep? for me its ss n marths neutral air. like short up neutral air. or just wavedashing. sometimes im imagining myself wavedashing and i feel my finger tremble doing the movement. i dont even play smash bros anymore but its been ingrained in my memory ever since i was a kid its practically muscle memory. yeah, random, but it does help me try and sleep when im able to.

i hope to finish these books on the way back. one of them being a book my therapist recommended me.

or maybe ill listen to esdeekid.

-

truly yours

1/3/26

3:04 pm

new year new me i guess. i bleached my hair yesterday. i think it looks good. yes my inspiration was thaiboydigital. yes im calling myself filoboydigital.

ive been feeling an increasing melancholic feeling, more than it usually is. i am chalking it up to me being away in vegas. theres always some sort of lonely feeling i have here despite having family around. well my life isnt here. my usual routine and acquainted places and faces. ive mentioned in one of my previous old entries that i think i could thrive anywhere as long as im with people i love and care about. i still think this rings true. but i am not actively trying to make a life here. i could see myself living anywhere if i tried. well, again maybe not some random dipshit state like montana or wyoming. i just need to be with people that help me be happy and do things that help me be happy. as long as i have that i will be okay. i think thats my point. yeah.

during this whole trip the rumination has been pretty bad. i can remember feeling intensely all these flashbacks and my mood change in the middle of me getting my hair bleached. it makes me feel so much like shit and like it just happened and all these thoughts and feelings just come back again. i cant describe how shitty it makes me feel. and i hate how i cant really do anything to escape it, because trying to escape it IS a symptom of ptsd. of course, im more than my diagnosis. i think im coming off like a broken record describing this. hell, i look at my tiktok reposts sometimes and its even more than a broken record.

either way, i will try my best to enjoy this new year. there are some things im hoping to be excited about. maybe. just maybe!

-

truly yours

1/2/26

2:01 am

first blog entry of 2026!

it was a chill first day of 2026. i mainly spent it at home with my family as my relatives were gonna drive back up this midnight. new years eve was nice too, i suppose. we celebrated christmas late and ate dinner. i got a pedal board and set that up so quick.

as of writing this im currently in a lyft back to my house. i had gone out to the strip in vegas to hangout with my friend andrew whos also in town. we went around and even met the “buck in my cup” guy. we took a picture with him and i sang with him. we gambled and probably lost more money than we earned at first but we were able to recoup our losses. fuck blackjack. thank the man above for slots. then, i went to fat tuesday and got one of those big slushie alcohol drinks that everyone carries around at the strip. we went to go get pizza at the cosmopolitan after that. nothing much to say. its always good to see and hangout with friends, especially on occasions like this when youre both not in your hometown so you can explore more. i didnt get to say goodbye to my relatives before they travelled back but ill see them again soon.

im almost home and im sleepy and i should rest as i fear i will have a headache from the alcohol. so ill call it here

-

truly yours

12/31/25

3:05 pm

its the last day of this year. what can i say about it? it is somehow the best and worst year of my life so far. i experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. i loved and lost (lost a lot, rest in peace to my beautiful friends) but nevertheless at one point i had the biggest amazing blessing ever and in a sort thats something to be thankful for. even if i dont have it anymore.

i am holding in some hope for 2026. i think i have a lot of things going for me right now and maybe, just maybe, ill be able to see them through.

12/30/25

5:16 pm

yeah i called it. im questioning my self worth and asking why wasnt i good enough again. oh well. at least ecco2k gets me. tell me how something beautiful can seem so worthless? but fret not, i got a haircut today and im going to vegas. more to come.

12:58 am

apologies if the last entry came off a bit crude. anyhow my intention of this blog/page has always been to document all aspects of my life so i really want to not make it seem like everything in my life is negative; it really isnt. i recognize there are a lot of positive things and im so eternally grateful for it. even if i cant necessarily access those emotions and it kills me to feel like a zombie all the time. who knows? again, maybe i also just dont want to appear so mentally ill as i can make myself out to be. i mentioned before that usually i dont care, but it hurts knowing people (not strangers) perceive me as such like im not right in the head and its like they treat/see me differently.

obviously i struggle with a lot of things. i suffer from major depression disorder, anxiety, and ptsd. but these things dont define me as a person at all. though ptsd is new and im still learning how to navigate it. im not gonna let it dictate it as my identity. some days/weeks happen to be harder than others. theres nothing i can do about that. i know at least i try more than a lot more of others do, not to compare. i always try to be self-aware of my faults and actively want to improve them. all in all, i am just another human.

i could be talking out my ass. i was watching this video about how this doctor theorized how theres people who believe in self-love and then those who self-loathe. i am the latter. but its all about if its productive. recognizing that shit can suck, but not too be too harsh on yourself and still being able to persevere through.

i met with my therapist today. we talked about my recent self-loathing, and how i personally thought it was displaced hatred. she asked me who am i really angry against then? good question. she gave me two books to read through. i think ill listen to an audiobook while on my drive to vegas later today.

ive been doing a bad job at updating this blog on a daily basis. but at the same time, i dont really have anything to share these past few days. ive just been trying my best to remain productive. work, school, hobbies, family/friends and all.

and so this is christmas, and what have you done? another year over, and a new ones just begun. a brand new year is in two days. my birthday is in about two weeks and i dont feel any excitement. i dont think i have any certain new year resolutions that i havent already been trying to work on. well actually, i guess this counts, i really wanna go hiking more in 2026. northern california is too beautiful to not see nature and explore. maybe its a year to learn another instrument, i always wanted to learn the drums. but i just gave my e-drums kit to my friend… there is a lot to do and a lot to learn. yet the pain still eats at me and takes away my joy 😂😂😂 okay sorry.

i went bowling today. i used to write about bowling a lot in the entries i have tucked away. my friends and i used to bowl everyday until midnight, plus it was the biggest distraction i had. however, safe to say, i am washed. even though im ass. im WASHED. though, the lanes we were playing on sucked so much. there was like barely any oil on them.

ive been playing on my 3ds again recently. mainly just pokemon. doesnt hurt to indulge in video games just a little..

im running out of things to talk about and at this point i have been writing for almost an hour. so i think i will just call it here. my friend likes to end his entries with

“-

merci”

so i think just this once ill take a page out of charlie from tpobaw’s book.

-

truly yours

12/29/25

12:43 am

i hate you so much. i hate how you make me cry this early in the morning. i hate how broken and inadequate i perceive myself now. i hate how i still question myself why and how you would do such a thing without feeling guilty at all. i hate how you dont care while i still do.

12/25/25

8:38 pm

happy christmas!

i fear i have appeared too mentally ill. like all i talk about is how im suffering. not saying that i dont feel the same today. i still do. it hit me today again like a trigger. ugh. whatever. i will prove that im not just a debbie downer. in the christmas spirit, i will write in the jolly good time i had today!

today i woke up still sickly and feeling like a prune. by the time i finally felt comfortable to get out of bed it, it was about noon. now, i didnt have any particular christmas plans. actually i didnt have any at all. but nevertheless i greeted my friends and family. i played talked and played fortnite with my friend evan for a bit. we talked about how for 2026 we both wanna spend more time outside like camp and hike more. and then went to practice guitar. after that i got ready and went to my relatives place as they were having just a little lunch/dinner. my cousin whos currently in the navy is currently back in town so i got to see her. we all talked chismis and caught up. and now im back home and about to go see my other friend soon so thats exciting. not much i really done today but again its christmas and i had no plans so id say i tried to make the best out of it :)

12/24/25

10:28 pm

i have been recovering for the past day and a half. shortly after my last entry, i started to feel genuinely sick to my stomach, nauseous, and have headaches. and i did start to tear up after a lady randomly said something amongst the lines of “youll get through this”, though she was most likely referring to my shift. anyhow, i was sent home by my team leaders. i also happened to lose my phone but thankfully the front desk had it. i rushed home and started to rest. i guess shit really isnt funny. its christmas eve and im unable to do anything. if any of my friends are seeing this im sorry for not getting back i am literally one shot and busy reposting sad shit on tiktok 😭🙏

12/23/25

7:24 am

if heaven is supposed to be nothing but pure bliss where there is no more suffering. who wouldnt wanna go there? i wanna be with the man above. so every night i genuinely do ask to take me in my sleep. im really trying not to deal with this whatever ptsd diagnosis shit i have. it's so sufferable there's constant reminders everywhere and it just eats away at my sleep. i need a lobotomy. but instead its a bullet that just goes through my skull because this is so draining and no way to live.

yes i am writing this in the middle of my shift.

yes im bouta cry at work like deadass.

12/22/25

11:04 pm

earlier i had a good hour and a half or so call with my friend roche. i actually put her on my safety plan on people to call when im feeling some type of way. shoutout roche if youre reading this.

8:42 pm

im tearing up in the car. fuck it. im just straight up crying in here. im crying like a little bitch. im outside a party and im crying instead of enjoying. i dont know. why cant this shit just stop. why did it even happen to me. i like nothing. i feel like fucking nothing. i feel like a husk. why just why. i hate feeling like this i just want all this pain or whatever to end. i dont never wanted this shit.

2:00 pm

today i had therapy. i told my therapist about how i went to the party and stayed despite wanting to leave at times at weighing the pros and cons of being there vs being at home. she reminds me that that is thoughtful of me and i am trying my best. i told her i still dont feel anything. mostly from the lingering anhedonia/depression. she went on to make a point about how sometimes depression is about trying putting too much attention to something that we should be letting go. whether that could be unrealistic dreams, expectations, certain people, relationships, hobbies, things, basically anything. at this point i thought, “shit she caught me. i know where shes headed with this” and then she asked me if theres anything i put too much attention to that i need to let go. deep down, i knew my real answer, but i kept it generalized. i do not know why i cower at opening up talking about certain subjects during therapy. maybe i find it embarrassing to talk about what is bothering me. maybe it makes me feel more like shit than i already am. anyways, i said i need to let go of my self-loathing. she asked me if i accept myself. i tried to beat around the bush around it, but ultimately i said i tolerate myself. which of course isnt the same of accepting yourself. i then went to explain its because of how much i think of myself as a monster (i brought up the me being '“worse than hitler” thing again) because of all the mistakes ive made. even recently. she reminds me that i am only human. i know that, but i hate when my mistakes are at the expense of other people. i hate disappointing people. i feel so genuinely bad that i cant be there for people all the time like i want to. it kills me that i cant be who i want to be for the people i care about. and thats something i need to let go. the expectations and guilt. i dont know. im probably rambling now. i dont think i wrote anything inherently insightful.

12:35 am

i just got back from a christmas get together that my friend hosted. though i did not know anyone there as they were all her old coworkers. there were many times i felt uncomfortable and thought about going home. but i stayed anyways because its still better than being all alone with my thoughts. and the only reason i was uncomfortable was because i barely knew anyone while they all knew each other but anyhow i persevered through. i did feel really bad though because one of them lost their promise ring and i can see how sentimental it was to them and how frustrated and sad they became. i hope they find it. thats about it. im really trying to avoid just being in situations that will trigger my rumination and ptsd. and again i guess that means just not being alone. as i said before, theres only so much you can outrun before it catches you again. so. just kill me.

12/21/25

1:45 am

guess who cant fucking sleep again? this guy! i have no distractions to keep my mind off. god its all too much. you might as well just have stabbed me and beat me to a fucking pulp and leave me to die if your intention was to hurt me like this so so fucking bad.

12/20/25

10:25 pm

if youre ever reading my entries and wondering “damn, when is this mf ever gonna have a good day?” well it is not gonna be today. though, it was a very productive day. i did some school work, tried to practice and converse in tagalog, practiced guitar, went to the gym, and cleaned up a bit. uh oh here comes a song reference. if i cleaned everything would you come back? fuck that was the perfect song to go out to. wish it worked just for that. just kidding….

again though. i did not have a good day. i just tried to keep busy. today it felt like i wanted to stab myself in the eye with a fork repeatedly every second. this shit is really kicking my fucking ass. actually i take that back. its genuinely killing me. theres like no outrunning this shit im genuinely so lost 😭✌🏼whatever its almost time for me to sleep again but i know thats gonna be a challenge again.

12:14 am

i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much it hurts so much just why

12/19/25

9:57 pm

well that was a disappointment. my friend and i left early. they started to play a wisp cover. no hate to her. but 1.3 seconds. IM OUT. i wholeheartedly believe if you are over the age of maybe 19 and going to these type of shows. you deserved to get clowned. shit i deserve to get clowned for going. im too old for this shit anyways. i mean this in the most pretentious way possible. idgaf. so much better music to be made and heard and i cant stand these mfs that try so hard to look “emo” and “scene”. just be yourself bro and dont categorize yourself into a label 😭✌🏼fuck yo shitty hardcore mincecore deathcore corethiscorethat shirts and baggy jeans you are all clones that look the same and there is nothing inherently special about you.

didnt do much else. my friend and i ate at the mall. went to barnes n noble after. my ptsd is still winning so i might as well kick the bucket.

2:25 pm

today i did not go to work. i have called out these past two days. while feeling a bit under the weather, mentally i feel so fatigued. i could not sleep last night, so i had to resort to the good old method of falling asleep to the sound of my friends’ voices as they played games. it helps me not ruminate badly.

ptsd - a mental health condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event, causing symptoms like intrusive memories (flashbacks, nightmares), avoidance, negative mood/thoughts (numbness, guilt), and hyperarousal (irritability, jumpiness, anxiety) that last over a month and significantly disrupt life (google).

its crazy that out of all the events ive endured in my life, loved ones dying from accidents, overdoses, sickness, or just overall trauma from others. ive never developed cptsd. but from one event. one SINGULAR event made me develop ptsd and i have to deal with it for the rest of my life now. and its such a bitch living with it. i genuinely feel haunted. when i cant do basic things like sleep. or when i try and go about my day. cant even properly have a good time. or even just go to work. everything becomes intrusive. it replays in my head and its like it just now happened. a wound thats old but is still bleeding somehow and starts to sting again and again. i really used to doubt me having this but it just makes sense now. it explains why i try so hard to just be by myself. i am my own trigger. my own stressor. ill bury myself deep into those thoughts if im not constantly around people or doing something productive. and most of the time, it hardly ever works. it just feels so; utterly destroying. im destroyed. im a freak and a monster. maybe i have no one to blame but myself. maybe i deserved this trauma to happen to me. maybe my suffering is deserved and is the expense so that other people can be happy.

i am no victim. if anything im a victim of my own actions.

this is just no way to live. it hasnt gotten any easier at all. what am i gonna do that i havent tried already doing or am currently doing? it honestly feels so hopeless. how could something beautiful taste so foul? and thats an ecco2k bar.

whatever. im going to pick up my friend. we are going to guitar center to get stuff for my pedals and probably go to this emo show at a mountain mikes for the plot.

12/17/25

6:23 pm

ive decided to wipe all my previous entries from before i started writing here again. maybe ill bring it back one day. but i already look more mentally ill than i actually am and i hate thats how i am perceived. i usually dont care how others perceive me. but ive recently been so irked.

12:10 pm

this “worse than hitler” joke really isnt a joke anymore. again i just think of myself as something so utterly bastardizing and terrible. a horrifying creature. how did i become such vermin? i know its not just me. others think of me as such a piece of shit. i used to doubt my diagnosis of ptsd but something has been flaring up. i could hardly sleep last night. i never wanted to turn out this way or hurt others. i never used to be like this. i dont see this turning out well. my si is starting to come back in full force. that i really need to be rid of myself because im such a stain on others lives and that kills me. its the last thing i want. i never wanted to be like that so how did i do just that? maybe i just wasnt meant to be beautiful.

12/15/25

11:20 pm

i made a promise that i cant keep.

its killing me now.

(this was written over this recent period of time. i am just now posting it.)

my friend says i am in my head too much. thats true i suppose. how can i not be? theres a reason for the way i feel and the way i am. theres a reason why things in the universe are the way there are. even the unexplainable. we just don't know it

my cousins say im [redacted] because i wouldnt hook up with someone "even if they are hella bad and want me" but i think my reasoning is valid. i just dont have it in me to act so lustful.

my other cousin said i care too much about everything. that when he read my bye bye note it sounded like i didnt even want to do it. well i dont think anyone who wants to take their life actually wants to do it. they just want the suffering theyve been enduring to end.

the other day when i was out at the pacifica taco bell i met a man named manny. he was a hippie type figure, hitchhiked his way there from upstate new york. he was playing guitar and so i struck up a conversation with him. we talked music and he played me california sober. i asked him if he knew any beatles songs and he started to play let it be. i sang along with him. it was a precious beautiful time. i offered to buy him a meal but he declined and instead thanked me for talking and singing with him. that it meant a lot to him. we shared about our respective 2025. we both have had years of grief and loss. but peace and love lingers on and its all we can share in a world thats full of such negativity.

"im glad youre still here" is a phrase ive read and heard over and over for the past almost month. i have nothing to say in response to that. i still have lingering embarrassment that im still here. and it was never a case that i didnt feel loved or appreciated. i have a lot of people i know that do. but its that i couldnt access those emotions anymore.

my therapist says i am doing a good job. that i am really trying and doing everything i can. i dont doubt that im trying. but i still feel the same. change isnt instant. im not gonna feel better overnight. but it still haunts and hurts me the same way the day it happened. it could be that im trying to chase contentness instead of being content where i am right now. but i dont think its true. because i feel like im always trying to run from the constant thoughts i have in the moment.

life has been feeling like im sitting down in a lightly cold translucent lighted room. like a waiting room. seats arrayed in rows like at the dmv. there are fleeting moments of when i smile. but it never feels quite real. its as if im smiling at someone passing by. never lasts for a quick second, and im only smiling cause its a gesture, not cause i want to (though i still do it because its kind). i dont know what im sitting here for. or if im supposed to be waiting for something. i am just here.

well thats life now. my life at least. its ugly, its real, its me.

i often think and read my entries before it all happened. the last couple more specifically. it reads out like a manic episode. how intensely good i felt contrasting to the crushing low i felt afterwards. but who knows. i havent gotten diagnosed with anything new. actually thats a lie. i was diagnosed with ptsd. yes thats quite new isnt it? it surprised me. im genuinely traumatized.

theres something that happened after my last entry that stirred the piss of a pot even further. i had found out that one of my old best friends from my childhood had passed away earlier this year. thats one friend too many. truly too many. the last message i had sent to him was about over two years ago. i had wished him that he was doing good in life even if we dont talk anymore and thanked him for all the memories growing up that i cherish dearly. he was a friend of mine. i cant fathom that hes gone. we literally grew up with each other. even if we didnt talk as much at times anymore. i love him and i always will. 

theres a part of me that still wishes that it worked. this emotionally irrational thought that if i was meant to disappear from peoples lives like how they want me to then it would be beneficial if i truly disappeared and left no room for any reconciliation or to come back. i never wanted to be a stain in peoples lives. but id gladly clean up if i truly was. eradicate the mess thats been made. i feel like a monster. or that i must be. something so horrid and doesnt deserve kindness or any gratitude at all. there has been an ongoing inside joke between my friend and i among the lines of something/someone being worse than hitler in our eyes. though, i think i genuinely mean it. i think i am worse than hitler. of course its irrational. but i feel as more of a monster than he is. hmm i wonder. was it worth it in the end? [redacted] ill never be the same.